Innocence
by strawberryfinn
Summary: They always said you were the protector. Where are you now, Zack? I can’t hold on much longer. And you’re not there to save me.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: This is a story that's sort of odd. It's from Cody's point of view—he's being hurt when trying to do everything to protect his brother. Why? That is to be revealed. I felt like writing something different.

You are still unblemished by the hands of another. You are pure and clean, yet so naive. You cry when you say you are hurt, but you have not been hurt. You do not know how much life can hurt. You do not know how you can be pulled from limb to limb. You have no idea what life is yet.

I have gone through so much, but you continue to live in a separate world. You continue to escape reality while I go on with the relentless blows. Yes it hurts, it does, but you have not lived life yet.

I take it all for you. Why? Because I love you. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When they come and they ask for you, I can pretend to be you. They don't know the difference. They don't.

We're twins.

This duplicity, the surprising enigma of it all.

I am still not sure if that's a blessing or not. They hurt me and pull me apart. They can't tell us apart, they never could. Why do I do this for you? I don't know how to go on. I can't tell anybody. I can't tell anybody, especially not you.

What would you say I wonder? You would be angry, I know you would. I fear facing your inclement moods if you every find out. Your heart would break and I can't have that happen because that's what I've tried so hard to protect you from. They would extirpate your heart, they would break you. I don't want you to see that. I want you to keep on going on in your wide-eyed innocence.

You laugh when I cry, but I'm crying because you laugh. You don't know, do you? You have no idea how much it hurts at night when I look out the window. You have no idea why I hold onto that pathetic piece of blue cloth that is called Blankie. You have no idea how much I want to switch places, how much I would fight to not do this anymore.

You have no idea.

You have no idea how they hurt me. You have no idea how much it twists from inside. You have no idea that my heart breaks everyday. You have no idea that I don't eat because I don't want to puke for them. You have no idea what it means to hide the satisfaction for them.

Yet I do it all for you. Why? You have never done anything for me. You have never given me love or shown me compassion, but I know you do. And that's good enough for me. That's good enough for me to keep on going on like this, broken all the time to protect you.

If you were hurt, I would fall apart. I know I would. I cannot live without you, yet life would be so much easier if you did not exist. I wouldn't have to do this. _I wouldn't have to do this_.

I wonder if you feel my pain. I feel your happiness, your naivety, your innocence. That is what I'm trying to protect. I don't want them to take that away from you. I never want you to feel the pain that I go through. Everyday.

Your un-knowing eyes are what I live for. I don't want you to be omniscient, that would destroy the purpose of my goals. This artifice is not so helpful, I am breaking apart inside, but I don't know what to do.

They always said you were the protector. They always said you would save me. Where are you now, Zack? Where are you now, brother?

I'm breaking, falling apart. I can't hold on much longer. And you're not there to save me.

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	2. Chapter 2

How could you do that to me? You know that I hurt easily, but you laughed at me. You broke me. You hurt me worse than they ever have.

Yet I know it's not your fault.

You have no idea what I have to go through to protect you. You walk by, oblivious to the pain and suffering I endure. You, the quintessence of innocence. I want to perpetuate that—make that last forever.

You walked by, ignoring my cries, but isn't that what I have fought for? Isn't that the meaning of my battles?

My world is falling apart, and there's nothing I can do about it.

You could save me, but I would lose what I've been fighting for. I've been fighting for your innocence, your purity, your love. I don't want you to know what this world is.

_That's what I've been fighting for._

Those reverberating thoughts continue to hit me, but I cannot do anything except wish for escape.

Your eyes are so concerned, so worried. You ask if I am ok.

How can I be ok? How can I? I'm being destroyed everyday, and you ask if I'm ok. I want so badly to show you, so badly to give you all my pain, but I merely shake my head no. I'm ok. I'm ok.

I would shatter, being the brittle individual that I am. I can never tell you. I must endure it all from inside—you can't find out. I don't want you to.

But today, when I was bleeding, couldn't you tell? Didn't you realize the pathetic excuses I gave you? Any intimations at all? Falling down the stairs? Honestly, since _when_ have I done that, brother?

How can you protect me if I you are what I am protecting myself from? Besides _them. _Those nefarious individuals, they live to hurt, they live to destroy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling but you can't catch me.

You never could save me. They always say you could, but you couldn't. Why? You're not strong. Everybody thinks you are—you've always been the strong twin, the older brother, the more protective twin. But you're not. Why?

Because you wouldn't be able to do this for me. You wouldn't be able to give up everything to save me. You wouldn't. You'd break, even if you are older, but seriously. What doe ten minutes mean? That must be the most fatuous thing I have heard since I learned the meaning of apartheid.

No one can save me but you. I think I must be an agnostic by now. Where is God? He can't save me, but you can. But you can't ever find out.

It would destroy me. You wouldn't believe it. _I_ wouldn't want you to do this for me. You're the sole reason for my existence, the only reason I go on.

I can do it for you. So I am. Because I love you.

Uh, this chapter isn't as good as the first. Yes, I wanted you to get out a dictionary.

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	3. Chapter 3

I cried today. I cried hard. I cried so hard in that tiny room, squeezed away from the outside world.

You didn't know. You had no idea. You couldn't save me—you couldn't save me because of your own ignorance of the malignance that exists in your fellow companions. They hurt me.

You must want to know who they are by now, don't you? I will never tell you. I cannot tell you those people that hurt me, those that you call your _friends_. Would you know how much they destroy me? Would you know how much they can rip me apart inside and how I feel as if I am falling apart? You say they're your friends—how can they be your friends, Zack, when they are hurting your other half? How can they be your friends as they destroy your brother?

Basketball. You love it. I have never been able to see what is so fascinating about such a sport. Perhaps it was invented for those who did not have anything better to do.

Basketball brought you to your friends, didn't it? Your friends, your team, whatever you may want to call it.

I only know one thing. They are not your friends. They are not mine either.

They beat me. They think I am you. Isn't that strange? I, of all possible people, am your exact antithesis. I cannot be you. If they looked beyond the superficial content of my appearance, they would realize it. They would realize it that I am not you. I am not you. You are not me. They are not hurting you, they would understand. They are hurting me. And because they are hurting me, they are in turn hurting you.

But you don't know. You never will. I will make sure they never will. Because then what I have fought for will unwind, like the ribbon you shredded in half. I will lose half of myself. Better to lose myself to them now then lose both of us.

For if you were destroyed, I would be destroyed. I could not live without you; I hope you understand that. I would rather be shocked if you did not know that—if your blind ignorance really stretched that far.

So much for my protector, right, brother? You have not helped me—not ever. I do not believe you shall. But that is only because you do not know.

I sniff and turn over in the bed, feeling a tear fall down my face. You are my sole reason for existence—you are my treasure, Zack. You are the person that I live for. I do not want to think about this. I don't want to remember all the pain. I know you're awake—I hear you shuffle when your hear me cry softly to myself. I know you want to ask what's wrong more than anything.

Yet you can't. You understand. You realize it is something beyond your control—something I must fight by myself—but you have no idea it's a fight for you. It's a fight to keep you safe. It's a fight to help you keep your wide-eyed innocence that I love so.

If you knew, you would help. You glance worriedly at my reddened eyelids, the delicate way my eyelashes stick together as the tears glue onto them. I cannot tell you.

Yet, more than anything, I wish I could.

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